[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Am I having a stroke?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…