[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly