restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
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GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.