[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.