I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
You Might Also Like
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
decorating my apartment
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Bed should get ready for ME
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.