restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band