Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude