Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
You Might Also Like
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
reviewed some movies recently
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.