RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
is this how new cars are made??
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Same pineapple, same
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.