[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
We all have our pet causes.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.