[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*