[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me too, bag. Me too….
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)