*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
#Caturday
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.