@duplicitron: *returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I'm sorry. This just doesn't fit me like I thought it would.
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@bobvulfov: demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u me: ok demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it'll never work
@RobDenBleyker: Life advice: If someone ever tells you "I'll be there in thirty minutes", you should ALWAYS respond with "You've got twenty" and hang up.
@SortaBad: *hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"
@NotThatKevin: At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.