can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
You Might Also Like
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Bootstraps
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.