Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.