[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”