Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji