constantly working on myself.
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My dream job is getting paid to dream
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.