I finally found a reason to live again.
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
three things we don’t talk about
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.