IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
When he asks for feet pics
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“Huge”.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
any last words?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites