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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.