@TheTweetOfGod: Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
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@pinupteacher: All I'm saying is God wouldn't have given me this wild hair if he didn't want me to store stuff in it. *baby hedgehog peaks out*
@handsock_butts: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid me: ok wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service me: yeah lets do this again sometime
@joe_binkley: Things that are loud: Jet engines Dynamite Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral Rock concerts