Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You Might Also Like
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…