@TheTweetOfGod: Retweet this and you'll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.
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@lovemydogduck: Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
@SirEviscerate: OSTRICH: *buries head in sand* ANTELOPE: You're crazy! OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I'm NOT going back to jail
@markleggett: I often think "Why would anyone live in Gotham? It's a shithole!", but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
@cbdoubleu: Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.