They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Strangers have the best candy.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day