retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Yup!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Finally, a door that understands me