I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I just stopped by to water my horse.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.