Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m not lazy
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.