Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.