Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.