Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’