My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future