I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.