[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Ovenable?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”