me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
where the womens at?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake