Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
The police never think its as funny as you do.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?