Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
🤣😈🤣
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Mornin
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Guys, I found it.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?