Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.