Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”