Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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Two reasons I don鈥檛 trust people:
1. I don鈥檛 know them.
2. I know them.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don鈥檛 know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
i do not get doomsday preppers i鈥檓 immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i鈥檓 quitting
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he鈥檚 just not listening
What鈥檚 the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven鈥檛 been invited to a single wedding this year.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can鈥檛 see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I鈥檓 ready
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
My girlfriend said Valentine鈥檚 Day is really important to her so I can鈥檛 wait to see what she has planned for us
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Can鈥檛 I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard