@DeepDarkFear: Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

@ArfMeasures: [Bank] ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die *I walk in* ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@Rollinintheseat: I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

@YayatiSB: My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@TweeterRead: My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...