[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.