Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
You Might Also Like
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
#CatsOnTwitter
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
all that yoga finally paid off
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The happy life.. 😊
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Straight people are cancelled
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.