Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.