Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
this has done me in for some reason
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?