[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
we’re gonna need another temp
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.