WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Simple enough.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
What kind of a cult is this?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole