The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are