There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”