Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Anime is real
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
October already? What’s next? November????
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”