7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.