a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
When you’ve simply given up.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.