Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
This has made my week.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?